Monday, September 27, 2010

Robbed of the joys of pregnancy...

I have done nothing but dwell on the fact that anyone who has gone through a miscarriage has been totally robbed of the joys of experiencing pregnancy. Once you have had your heart broken by the disheartning news of your child gone to soon, you will never heal enough to be able to enjoy pregnancy and all of the glory that comes with it. You will always think that something is wrong, count every kick, and grip the ultrasound table and hold your breath untill you hear the tinest heart beating again, if only for another week.

I dreamt of the day that I would be a mother, hear the pitter patters of little feet, the slobbery kisses of an infant showing their undying love, and more so the weight of a sleeping child laying on my chest. I have felt the joy of pending parenthood, only to have it ripped away. It was so close, yest so far away. A miscarriage is by far the greatest test of faith that I have ever experienced. I blamed alot on god in the first few weeks after we lost our baby, only to realize that although this wasnt fair to be goining through, there was no reason God would want me and my family to hurt this bad. Our miscarriage happened, and God hurts with me... This is what has got me through. I am still on this journey that is now forever changed. Things will never be the same as they were the 1st or even 2nd time I carried our child within me, I will never be able to sleep peacefully at night, I will always be scared for what tomorrow will bring. Odd to think that way, because I get through the days now, knowing that tomorrow is always another day. How can you in life want tomorrow to come so bad, but then dread its arrival at all the same time.

I just pray that when we are granted the fulfilled dream of a take home baby, that I am able to enjoy every second of the 9 months leading to their arrival. I hope that deep down i'll be able to look past the hurt of loosing every child before that one, and be able to see that somehow that one is different. I hope.... Thats all I can do.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I am not alone!!!!

I was so disappointed after my appointment with the MFM specialist, So I was also dreading meeting with the OBGYN to see what she had to say. I had worked up this speech on why I felt I needed treatment and how I wouldn't take no for an answer. Well, to my complete surprise, my doctor (whom I love) said she was not happy with the answer the MFM doctor gave us. Treatment is needed and it is not an option to not treat. I was so relieved! I could not be happier with this answer! Finally, I am not alone, Someone is there and wants the same thing that I want! I am so grateful for this amazing doctor! So now, I set up another appointment with another MFM doctor! I cant wait! I also have to do a 2 hour glucose test next Friday, which I am dreading.... But, Anything for a baby!

I am finally leaving a post, where in the end, I am HAPPY! What a great feeling! I thanked my doctor over and over, as happy tears came to my eyes... Thank you God, Please lead me the rest of the way!

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thursday, September 16, 2010

MFM appt results.....

Well, seeing as I have not updated, I am sure that you can all assume that I did not get the results or outcome that I had hoped for. First off, the office staff was very nice and helpful. I felt very welcomed, and although hearing an a heartbeat ultrasound from the other room that broke my heart, I stayed strong. My husband had went with me, and we just giggled most of the time (more so to cover what we where there for and the noises from the other rooms). Once the initial exam was done, the doctor came back to talk to us. Based off of "what he believes" there is no indication that the MTHFR mutation that I have will cause any other miscarriages because my Homocystine levels are normal. Therefore, he does not want to prescribe any treatment. This I am not happy with. He did suggest genetic testing, which I am in the process of looking into with the insurance company.

I feel very let down, like I am back at square one. I had a diagnosis, and a possible treatment. And now I have a diagnosis that the doctor doesn't "think" we need to treat. I have another appointment with my regular OBGYN on next Tuesday. I will then discuss my concerns with her about not treating the MTHFR mutation, regardless of what my homocystine levels are. I physically and emotionally cannot handle another miscarriage. I have already been robbed of the joyous events of pregnancy. And I cannot do it again. With everyone around us having children, this struggle gets harder and harder everyday.....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Post and Run

This will be a short post as I am headed out the door at work. Nothing is really new here, I have been charting, and my temps are all over the place. It says that I ovulated, but who knows. The last two months I have also spotted in the middle of the month for like 5 days. Never have I had this before, so I am not sure what is going on with that. My doctor appt for the MFM specialist is this Friday. I am very nervous. I know that this is the next step, and I am anxious to get this started. But terrified to find out anything new. I'm just praying for this appointment to go well, and for the treatment to be tolerable. The sooner this appointment is over, the sooner we can try to get pregnant again.
God please, Don't make me wait another 4 years......

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

1 pill, 2 pill, 3 pill BLAH

As with anyone on this TTC journey, vitamins and supplements as well as prescription drugs are common. I hate taking pills, so this is something that I dread every morning and night! I have however found that taking them with store bought chocolate milk makes things so so so much easier! I would highly suggest it! I do not even like milk, but chocolate milk is way better than the nasty taste of the meds.. Here is my list of lovely drugs...

Cycle day 1 through 15
evening primrose 2 in am and 2 in pm

Day 3-7
200 mg soy isoflavones at night (5 pills)

Entire Cycle
Maca root 3 in am 2 in pm
PNV in am
Folic acid 800 mg in am
Baby aspirin in am
Zoloft in am for anxiety
B complex in am (yuck)

So ya, I hate taking pills. I am slowly introducing extra folic acid as it takes me a while to be able to adjust to vitamins without getting sick. I know that at my appt with the MFM doctor that they will be prescribing a supplement because 800 mg is way less than I need. But I figured you have to start somewhere!

Take Morning Pills...... CHECK

Monday, August 30, 2010

Facebook I hate you....

Seems like every time I am least expecting it, another friend announces a pregnancy. I am happy for them, but at the same time still extremely hurt that its not me. I have decided today that I want to pursue IUI or injectables. This is something that I will discuss with the obgyn-RE after my appt with the MFM. I don't care what it takes at this point, I would do anything. The money is whats holding me back
from my one dream in life, and that's not fair. :(

Normal, What's normal?

I have yet to have a normal cycle/period since the miscarriage. This is not really a big shock to me as I never have a normal period. BUT, this time and last cycle I started spotting on day 15 and had a period by day 21? WTH? I mean, sheesh,  I am glad that I started on my own., but this is not the normal that I had hoped for.

I am also waiting for the day that spotting and a period doesn't remind me of our loss. Its like every month is a constant reminder that I am no longer pregnant, and it breaks my heart over and over again. My husband made a comment that I do not drink or want to party anymore, I sat down and thought about why. What I feel the reason is, is actually quite simple. I do not want anything in my body at anytime that could hurt our maybe baby. Its sad, I know. I also cannot even allow my self to have fun at this point. All I can think about is what its supposed to be like, This Halloween I was supposed to be pregnant. This Christmas I am supposed to have a newborn baby to hold in my arms. I guess until all these first, It will not get easier, it will only get harder. As much as this feeling hurts, I don't want Christmas to come. In a way I feel like that after our EDD passes, its all over. And that people just expect us to get over it and move on at that point. I know, I know, no one thinks that. But its just how I feel. I really thought that by now, it would be a lot easier. Easier, yes, a lot easier, not at all. My heart still breaks everyday, And there are reminders everywhere. My arms ache for a baby to hold, Our baby.

September 10th, dreaded, but so welcome at the same time. I just want to get this show on the road.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Appt is set....

What I thought would take forever to get into the specialist actually has left me surprised. They were able to get me in September 10th. Which is about 3 weeks from when I called. I am both relieved  and nervous for this appointment. Its sort of like the end of the line, whatever is determined there is my fate. I will have to have treatment forever for MTHFR clotting disorder, and a special treatment while we are trying for our baby. From what I have researched, and learned from my great girls at the Bump, You usually are prescribed levenox injections. That is not appealing to me, ha, I am not sure that it would be appealing to anyone. But if that is what it takes to have our take home baby, its such a small order. I'm ready to do anything....

Some days I still feel myself sink back down into the "why me" phase. Most days I am strong (at least on the outside). Being a mother is my dream and it continues to come with struggles, and be pushed yet further and further away. I have been researching adoption and foster parenting more lately. I have a strong will to help these children who do not have a family of their own, my heart has enough love for whomever god grants us the presence of having in our home. I know one day I will be a earth Mommy, and I am learning that it does not take a biological child to make you that. Loving and nurturing a child comes easy to me, bringing a baby into this world has not. But I will not give up, I will not be defeated, at least not yet...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Good, The Bad, and the Worse...

Back from my relaxing weekend vacation. Thank goodness for some time away, although I wish that I would have that time now to reflect on the news that we have now received.

After our loss in June, I was distraught. I did not get chromosomal testing done, and now I wish that I would have. The RPL testing has confirmed that I have the MTHFR mutation. There are a few different types of the mutation that you can have, and each with a different severity. Below I have listed them. 1 being the worst and 5 being the least severe.

1. C677T & C677T (Two C Copies - C677T Homozygous)
2. C677T & A1298C (One Copy of Each The C & A - Compound Heterozygous)
3. C677T (One C Copy - C677T Heterozygous)
4. A1298C &A1298C (Two A Copies - A1298C Homozygous)
5. A1298C (One A Copy - A1298C Heterozygous)

I unfortunately have #1. The worst form of the mutation. MTHFR from what I understand (still researching) is a blood clotting disorder. It will cause many problems in pregnancy, such as down syndrome, trisomy, spinabifida, miscarriage, and implantation problems. Not only is this going to effect our plan for TTC, its a prognosis that will have to be treated forever. Having this clotting disorder means extra vitamins and blood thinners to prevent heart attack, stroke, and many other health problems.

I am thankful that I know what I am up against, however its too late to save the baby that we should have been expecting in December. Due to this Genetic Defect, my blood clots to much, preventing the baby from growing and thriving in the womb. My own body killed my baby. That's a tough thing to have to deal with.

Knowing now that this defect is ultimately going to try and prevent me from carrying my baby to term, and PCOS is preventing me from getting pregnant. All the odds are against us.

I am being transferred to a high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor, and once there, I will find out exactly how to treat this. I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.

My next question is if I should have my husband tested for this same mutation. I am guaranteed to pass the defect on to my child since I have both mutations. If he has both mutations, our child will also have both mutations. Knowing that your passing a genetic defect to your unborn child is heart breaking.

More bad news is that my liver enzymes are still high. I was tested in April when I got pregnant and my ALT level was 20, In June it was 39 and now in July it was 79... It should be under 37. I have been tested for every disease that would effect your liver, and they are inconclusive. I feel like I am on medical mystery sometimes. I just want to know whats wrong, and I want to fix it. Why cant this be easy for once.

Well now that I have bored you with the bad news. The good news is that I am very open to a Foster to Adopt situation. Its something that I had thought of before trying to conceive, and I think about it even more now that we are having so many problems. I have done a lot of research, and I am all for it. My hubby is a little hesitant, as he does want our own biological child. I think that he needs time to warm up to the idea, and hopefully with some research he will decide its a good idea for us. We will see...

As always, please keep us in your prayers....

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Yay! Welcome Followers!

Excited to see I have some followers! Welcome! I hope that you all find interest in this blog, and the journey is which I am taking. I can imagine many of you may be on this same journey, which in an odd way is comforting and sad at the same time. I don't want anyone else to travel this rocky path of heartbreak, Its a pain in which I wish that we were all spared. But for whatever reason, we were chosen as the strong ones to get past this. I used to try not to reference to much to God, however, in the past year I have found great strength in believing that he would never give you anything that you couldn't handle. My faith is growing, and if in turn I still not receive my greatest gift, my faith and strength that I have found in myself is a great start! So once again, Welcome to my life!

On another note, on the fertility aspect of things... We are at a stand still. I am waiting on the rest of the RPL testing, which I will get back on Tuesday. I also will request a full thyroid panel, as I think that I may have a hypothyroid... Why not right? Everything else seems to stack some odds against us. Ha, I will get through it! Maybe this will help with everything else.

I have also started to supplement some vitamins at home. PNV has always been a part of the daily drug intake as well as Zoloft (yes I need it to get through this life, I have horrible anxiety and depression, wonder why that is? ). I have added Evening Primrose which is supposed to help with CM, Royal Jelly which is supposed to help with egg quality (not sure if I need it, but cant hurt) and MACA which is supposed to help regulate hormones. I have also started charting. Today is cycle day 14, and so far I don't think that I'm nearing any sort of ovulation. Temps are all over the dang place. So I have a feeling that this month, just like any other non- medicated cycle there will be no ovulation. Tuesdays appt, I am hoping for a script for Femara.. We will see...

On a brighter note, I am going up north to Harrison, Michigan this weekend. It will be a nice getaway for once. I may not be updating till I get back. Maybe Monday, but possibly Tuesday after the doctor. Keep your fingers crossed for some good news! Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


There are times in your life when you feel like giving up, throwing in the towel, or just forgetting about everything and moving on. I have came to that point one to many times, and yet still have not given up. The undying strength from inside somehow gets me through this infertility battle, and reassures me that someday, somehow, I will be a "Mom". I don't know when it will happen, or what we will have to do to get there, But I do know that I have learned that I cannot question Gods time.

No one knows why mine and so many other wonderful mothers children were taken so soon. To never experience the warmth of them being  held in our arms, and forever impact the way our heart knows how to love. The second that the pregnancy test that you have ever so patiently waited for turned positive, you are a mother. You are carrying the greatest gift in the world, a baby, Your baby! You learn that your heart loves in a different way, almost an indescribable way. Its like no other love that you have ever felt, and stronger than you could have ever imagined. This little child is growing inside your safe womb, to be nurtured, loved, and comforted by the one place he or she will ever know. He/ she will never meet the outside world, as their presences is only felt from inside. Unknown to ourselves that we will never meet this child, we love them with every piece of our bodies, heart, and soul. An unconditional love, that in time will teach us so much more about life and love.
Hopes and dreams shattered in an instant, an unforgettable ultrasound with devastating news. Often the last memories we have of our little one is laying on the table in complete silence, our heart heavy knowing that the silence that is around us, is not a good sign. Tears well up in our eyes, knowing what the doctor is about to say. And yet, still completely lose it when the doctor says "I'm so sorry". Already knowing the news, you hold on to hope that something, anything would change, And this is all a dream nightmare... Nothing changes, and the grieving process must begin. We never learn how to grieve the loss of a child, let alone a child that we have never had the chance to formally meet. I often think that this is why this sort of grieving is so much harder than any other loss. Its not supposed to happen this way, our out look for the happiest days of our lives, have forever changed. We have no choice but to accept it, and find some sort of normalcy amongst the heart break.

Its been 2+ months since our Little Poppy left this world. And I can honestly say that it does get easier; not better as the pain doesn't ever go away, but yet a little easier to cope with. In the first weeks after our loss, I was in such a dark place in life. The sadness that my heart felt was absolutely indescribable. My heart hurt; ached so badly that I knew that nothing would heal it, Nothing but time. Time does heal all, or so I have been told. I wouldn't exactly call it healing, as our hearts never heal that sort of loss. I would say that its more of a learning process, we learn to mend the open wounds and get by day by day. We never forget the child or children that we have lost, And not a day goes by that subtle things remind us of what once was.

I used to feel anger and hurt when looking at all these women who could bare child after child, without even thinking of how they would provide for them, or even planning to have them. Some women are just handed this special gift without question, without truly wanting. I have learned that asking why, gets your nowhere. It doesn't change what you have and what you have lost. What it does change is how to look at the future, and what you will do with it. Having struggled with infertility and lost a two children through miscarriages, I know that when I am granted the greatest gift of a child that makes it to my arms, I will be ready. I will have wanted this child for years, cried for this child for many endless nights, and prayed for this child that I have yet to meet. I will be the best mother that anyone could be, moreso  than ever because of the struggle it took to get there. I will enjoy the cries of a infant needing the loving touch of their mother in the middle of the night, or the feedings that wake you every other hour. Little moments of watching my child rest peacefully in my arms will ever go unnoticed. Cherishing every second that you have, knowing that it all matters.  Every second of their life, cherishing every breath they take, I will smile and know that this is what I have worked so hard for. This is why I never gave up; You, my child are why I have continued to go on. I know that I will meet you one day, and until then, I will continue to try....

Monday, August 2, 2010

Blood work, new appt, another diagnosis.....

Well, I have yet to get back all of the blood work that I am waiting on. But so far, my liver enzymes are increasing which is not good. The doctor tested for the normal diagnostics, all negative. Now the quest to find out what is causing this. Since we are on a break from trying till we get results of the RPL testing, I decided to do some research of my own. I have looked up natural herbs, vitamins, diets, other causes, SA results.. EVERYTHING!
 I have also started charting my BBT. Although easy, its a pain in the butt to remember everyday. I just set my alarm and so far so good! I chart on Fertility Friend, which is a great sight. I just wish you didn't have to pay for the VIP membership. I wanted a paper to print out so that I would be able to track at home as well. So I looked up a few charts online, only to find that no charts start under 97.00? Dumbfounded, I began to search the Internet. I cannot possibly be the only person with low temperatures.... Sure enough, hours of research later. Hypothyroidism smack me in the face. Although I am no doctor, and have not been told I have this, I am fairly certain I do. I have 90% of the symptoms, and it directly relates to PCOS, insulin resistance, and high liver enzymes.... WOW, I am just in utter shock at this point. Another problem to add to the list of many.... Just kill me now.
My only hope at this point is that maybe this is the problem I have had all along, and finally getting a diagnosis would be great if it works and we will one day have a baby.

On another note, I am really trying hard to diet. I have requested phentermine from the doctor, and so far its working pretty good. I am eating much better, and now I just need to work out... which I hate... I am down 11 pounds in 3 weeks!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Looking back...

I was looking back at a blog that I have that is private. I Kept it as a journal, as my struggle with infertility was overwhelming to me. Writing has become very therapeutic and way of releasing the feelings that I tend to keep inside. My Bumpie friends had a post today that asked what we do to keep ourselves going every month after getting BFN's over and over again. Honestly, it doesn't ever get easier to see that BFN month after month. I guess its just the way of coping with it that matters. Before my last miscarriage I actually got used to not testing, and just waiting for the dreaded AF to come. It was easier for me then letting myself down with a bfn. When we found out we were pregnant it was by blood work, and ironically I was still terrified to take a pregnancy test. All the horrible feelings that I got every month after see the negative result were rushing back to me, even though I WAS pregnant. It was a horrible feeling.

I am still grieving over the loss of our baby, its harder some days than others. When I think about the "would haves" I get upset. But its all part of grieving. I am very much looking forward to our next round of fertility meds. Praying that it wont possibly take as long to conceive this time as it as in the past. Only god knows when it will happen, and I have really begun to leave my fate in his hands.

Monday, July 26, 2010


 Tomorrow I go into the new obgyn that I have to go over all the 22 vials of blood that were taken 2 weeks ago. As terrified as I am to go there, Its a relief to know that either there is something causing our losses, or there is nothing wrong and there is no reason to worry. I do not know which I would rather here. Knowing we lost our baby, I would almost rather there be a reason, and then we can fix it. No reason = nothing to fix. We will see how it goes, and I will post again tomorrow.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Our Story....

Once me and my wonderful husband were engaged we had been required to attend a marriage class in order to be married in out catholic church. Although, we were nervous, we were very optimistic. We learned so much about each other, and realized we had far more in common then we had even thought. We agreed on everything; where we wanted to live, what kind of house, what jobs, schooling, and even how many children we wanted to have. This brought upon the question of when we wanted to start trying to have children of our own. Of course, without a doubt we wanted to start trying right after we were married. Our plans to have 3-4 children would all happen before we were 30. What a perfect life we had planned....

As the wedding and honeymoon came and went, we enjoyed a few months to ourselves and basked in the honeymooners glory. We started trying for a baby in August, and September followed with a positive pregnancy test! we were more than elated, and couldn't wait to spread the news. Our joyous celebration was short lived and we lost the baby at about 5 weeks. I was heart broken. With no one to really talk to, mine and the hubby's relationship grew stronger. He was my rock. As months passed we decided to start trying again.

Our upcoming months were filled with struggles and complications. I started with a cold hearted OBGYN, who's concern wasn't for me and my family. She ran tests and shoved us off to an RE. Although our RE was amazing, I knew that we were in over our heads as far as money went. I knew we couldn't afford IUI or IVF, I wasn't sure what there was left. After many appointments and a few surgeries to correct underlying issues, we were started on clomid. 3 cycles passed, and although I was ovulating, we still were not pregnant.

In the mean time I had been researching clinical studies for people with PCOS (my official diagnosis). In November of 2009 i met with the great girls at Wayne State University Women's Clinic, and was accepted into their study. I would either be taking clomid or femara, both fertility medicines. Cycle after cycle I was monitored for ovulation, cysts, and blood work. Every month was a negative pregnancy test.

On April 16th 2010, our 4th cycle on fertility drugs, we were blessed to find that we were expecting! The nurse at the clinic would usually send me an email with all my stats for that month, and this month was an email that i would never forget. Since we were seeing a RE in the study, i was blessed with plenty of pregnancy visits. I had blood work every other day, and ultrasounds once a week. Watching our little peanut grow and develop was the most amazing experience of our lives. The first couple weeks passed without complication, and our families were elated with our great news.

The first week of May, our uneventful pregnancy was changing fast. My beta levels had not doubled, and an ectopic pregnancy was suspected. I was advised to get to the doctors office as soon as possible for an ultrasound and possible shot to terminate the pregnancy. I was devastated. Upon arrival to the doctors office, an ultrasound showed the most perfect little gestational sac, and it was right where it was supposed to be in the uterus. We were amazed, as was the doctor. Although the prognosis was still not good because my levels were not doubling, there was still hope. I was advised to take it easy, and come back in 3 days for more blood work. Each course of blood work continued to say the same thing, non doubling betas, and now my progesterone levels had begun to drop. I was placed on meds to up my progesterone and to follow up in another few days. My life has turned into a waiting game.

The progesterone levels had began to stabilize and the betas were still increasing, we held on to hope. Our next ultrasound still showed just the sac and what they think is a yolk sac and fetal pole, but they were not certain. I was scheduled to come back in a week to check again. The next week was the same thing, our new diagnosis was a blighted ovum. Again, after holding onto the littlest bit of hope, we were crushed again. Our next appointment was scheduled with the RE rather than just the tech, this was the deciding ultrasound.

I lay on the table, and the ultrasound began. The hubby always stood to the side so he would be able to see the ultrasound and i would look to him for reassurance. The RE did some measurements, and said
"congratulations, there is a heart beat" My whole body just felt weightless. This was the best news that we have ever heard. Our little Poppy had a heartbeat! The doctor said, "this isn't text book, But its looking good". I didn't care what text book was, our baby was in there, and had a beating heart. Finally we were able to space our next appointment to 2 weeks away, and after that i would be released to a regular OB.

Two weeks pass, and we soaked in the glory of knowing we were so much closer to having a child of our own. Our ultrasound was with the RE again, and I felt confident in seeing our little one again. As the ultrasound begins, there is complete silence. I look to my hubby for support and he is watching the screen, and not looking toward me. As the silence progresses, i know that something is wrong. Our baby had passed away, and we were having a missed miscarriage. I began to sob, I couldn't believe after such great news 2 weeks before, our whole world was shattered. I had a d&c on June 2nd, and recovery began.

Recovering from losing a child is something that I could have never comprehended before now. Its a sadness in your heart that nothing can compare to. Nothing anyone says or does can help the pain go away. Relying on the phrase "in time god heals all" is all that got me by. It cant possibly hurt this bad for long.

Today is the present, It has been nearly 6 weeks from the loss of our baby, and it has gotten easier. I have realised that the 12 weeks that i did get to have my baby inside me were the greatest 12 weeks of my life. Nothing can compare to knowing that your child hears your heart from the inside, and your bond starts before their first breath. We planted a tree in memory of Poppy, and all things that remind us of this time are in a memory box. Some days are still hard, but each day is better than the last.

We once again begin our journey. This time for an earth baby, one to take home that our little angel can watch over.