Monday, September 27, 2010

Robbed of the joys of pregnancy...

I have done nothing but dwell on the fact that anyone who has gone through a miscarriage has been totally robbed of the joys of experiencing pregnancy. Once you have had your heart broken by the disheartning news of your child gone to soon, you will never heal enough to be able to enjoy pregnancy and all of the glory that comes with it. You will always think that something is wrong, count every kick, and grip the ultrasound table and hold your breath untill you hear the tinest heart beating again, if only for another week.

I dreamt of the day that I would be a mother, hear the pitter patters of little feet, the slobbery kisses of an infant showing their undying love, and more so the weight of a sleeping child laying on my chest. I have felt the joy of pending parenthood, only to have it ripped away. It was so close, yest so far away. A miscarriage is by far the greatest test of faith that I have ever experienced. I blamed alot on god in the first few weeks after we lost our baby, only to realize that although this wasnt fair to be goining through, there was no reason God would want me and my family to hurt this bad. Our miscarriage happened, and God hurts with me... This is what has got me through. I am still on this journey that is now forever changed. Things will never be the same as they were the 1st or even 2nd time I carried our child within me, I will never be able to sleep peacefully at night, I will always be scared for what tomorrow will bring. Odd to think that way, because I get through the days now, knowing that tomorrow is always another day. How can you in life want tomorrow to come so bad, but then dread its arrival at all the same time.

I just pray that when we are granted the fulfilled dream of a take home baby, that I am able to enjoy every second of the 9 months leading to their arrival. I hope that deep down i'll be able to look past the hurt of loosing every child before that one, and be able to see that somehow that one is different. I hope.... Thats all I can do.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I am not alone!!!!

I was so disappointed after my appointment with the MFM specialist, So I was also dreading meeting with the OBGYN to see what she had to say. I had worked up this speech on why I felt I needed treatment and how I wouldn't take no for an answer. Well, to my complete surprise, my doctor (whom I love) said she was not happy with the answer the MFM doctor gave us. Treatment is needed and it is not an option to not treat. I was so relieved! I could not be happier with this answer! Finally, I am not alone, Someone is there and wants the same thing that I want! I am so grateful for this amazing doctor! So now, I set up another appointment with another MFM doctor! I cant wait! I also have to do a 2 hour glucose test next Friday, which I am dreading.... But, Anything for a baby!

I am finally leaving a post, where in the end, I am HAPPY! What a great feeling! I thanked my doctor over and over, as happy tears came to my eyes... Thank you God, Please lead me the rest of the way!

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thursday, September 16, 2010

MFM appt results.....

Well, seeing as I have not updated, I am sure that you can all assume that I did not get the results or outcome that I had hoped for. First off, the office staff was very nice and helpful. I felt very welcomed, and although hearing an a heartbeat ultrasound from the other room that broke my heart, I stayed strong. My husband had went with me, and we just giggled most of the time (more so to cover what we where there for and the noises from the other rooms). Once the initial exam was done, the doctor came back to talk to us. Based off of "what he believes" there is no indication that the MTHFR mutation that I have will cause any other miscarriages because my Homocystine levels are normal. Therefore, he does not want to prescribe any treatment. This I am not happy with. He did suggest genetic testing, which I am in the process of looking into with the insurance company.

I feel very let down, like I am back at square one. I had a diagnosis, and a possible treatment. And now I have a diagnosis that the doctor doesn't "think" we need to treat. I have another appointment with my regular OBGYN on next Tuesday. I will then discuss my concerns with her about not treating the MTHFR mutation, regardless of what my homocystine levels are. I physically and emotionally cannot handle another miscarriage. I have already been robbed of the joyous events of pregnancy. And I cannot do it again. With everyone around us having children, this struggle gets harder and harder everyday.....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Post and Run

This will be a short post as I am headed out the door at work. Nothing is really new here, I have been charting, and my temps are all over the place. It says that I ovulated, but who knows. The last two months I have also spotted in the middle of the month for like 5 days. Never have I had this before, so I am not sure what is going on with that. My doctor appt for the MFM specialist is this Friday. I am very nervous. I know that this is the next step, and I am anxious to get this started. But terrified to find out anything new. I'm just praying for this appointment to go well, and for the treatment to be tolerable. The sooner this appointment is over, the sooner we can try to get pregnant again.
God please, Don't make me wait another 4 years......