Normal, What's normal?

I have yet to have a normal cycle/period since the miscarriage. This is not really a big shock to me as I never have a normal period. BUT, this time and last cycle I started spotting on day 15 and had a period by day 21? WTH? I mean, sheesh,  I am glad that I started on my own., but this is not the normal that I had hoped for.

I am also waiting for the day that spotting and a period doesn't remind me of our loss. Its like every month is a constant reminder that I am no longer pregnant, and it breaks my heart over and over again. My husband made a comment that I do not drink or want to party anymore, I sat down and thought about why. What I feel the reason is, is actually quite simple. I do not want anything in my body at anytime that could hurt our maybe baby. Its sad, I know. I also cannot even allow my self to have fun at this point. All I can think about is what its supposed to be like, This Halloween I was supposed to be pregnant. This Christmas I am supposed to have a newborn baby to hold in my arms. I guess until all these first, It will not get easier, it will only get harder. As much as this feeling hurts, I don't want Christmas to come. In a way I feel like that after our EDD passes, its all over. And that people just expect us to get over it and move on at that point. I know, I know, no one thinks that. But its just how I feel. I really thought that by now, it would be a lot easier. Easier, yes, a lot easier, not at all. My heart still breaks everyday, And there are reminders everywhere. My arms ache for a baby to hold, Our baby.

September 10th, dreaded, but so welcome at the same time. I just want to get this show on the road.