Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Looking back...

I was looking back at a blog that I have that is private. I Kept it as a journal, as my struggle with infertility was overwhelming to me. Writing has become very therapeutic and way of releasing the feelings that I tend to keep inside. My Bumpie friends had a post today that asked what we do to keep ourselves going every month after getting BFN's over and over again. Honestly, it doesn't ever get easier to see that BFN month after month. I guess its just the way of coping with it that matters. Before my last miscarriage I actually got used to not testing, and just waiting for the dreaded AF to come. It was easier for me then letting myself down with a bfn. When we found out we were pregnant it was by blood work, and ironically I was still terrified to take a pregnancy test. All the horrible feelings that I got every month after see the negative result were rushing back to me, even though I WAS pregnant. It was a horrible feeling.

I am still grieving over the loss of our baby, its harder some days than others. When I think about the "would haves" I get upset. But its all part of grieving. I am very much looking forward to our next round of fertility meds. Praying that it wont possibly take as long to conceive this time as it as in the past. Only god knows when it will happen, and I have really begun to leave my fate in his hands.

Monday, July 26, 2010


 Tomorrow I go into the new obgyn that I have to go over all the 22 vials of blood that were taken 2 weeks ago. As terrified as I am to go there, Its a relief to know that either there is something causing our losses, or there is nothing wrong and there is no reason to worry. I do not know which I would rather here. Knowing we lost our baby, I would almost rather there be a reason, and then we can fix it. No reason = nothing to fix. We will see how it goes, and I will post again tomorrow.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Our Story....

Once me and my wonderful husband were engaged we had been required to attend a marriage class in order to be married in out catholic church. Although, we were nervous, we were very optimistic. We learned so much about each other, and realized we had far more in common then we had even thought. We agreed on everything; where we wanted to live, what kind of house, what jobs, schooling, and even how many children we wanted to have. This brought upon the question of when we wanted to start trying to have children of our own. Of course, without a doubt we wanted to start trying right after we were married. Our plans to have 3-4 children would all happen before we were 30. What a perfect life we had planned....

As the wedding and honeymoon came and went, we enjoyed a few months to ourselves and basked in the honeymooners glory. We started trying for a baby in August, and September followed with a positive pregnancy test! we were more than elated, and couldn't wait to spread the news. Our joyous celebration was short lived and we lost the baby at about 5 weeks. I was heart broken. With no one to really talk to, mine and the hubby's relationship grew stronger. He was my rock. As months passed we decided to start trying again.

Our upcoming months were filled with struggles and complications. I started with a cold hearted OBGYN, who's concern wasn't for me and my family. She ran tests and shoved us off to an RE. Although our RE was amazing, I knew that we were in over our heads as far as money went. I knew we couldn't afford IUI or IVF, I wasn't sure what there was left. After many appointments and a few surgeries to correct underlying issues, we were started on clomid. 3 cycles passed, and although I was ovulating, we still were not pregnant.

In the mean time I had been researching clinical studies for people with PCOS (my official diagnosis). In November of 2009 i met with the great girls at Wayne State University Women's Clinic, and was accepted into their study. I would either be taking clomid or femara, both fertility medicines. Cycle after cycle I was monitored for ovulation, cysts, and blood work. Every month was a negative pregnancy test.

On April 16th 2010, our 4th cycle on fertility drugs, we were blessed to find that we were expecting! The nurse at the clinic would usually send me an email with all my stats for that month, and this month was an email that i would never forget. Since we were seeing a RE in the study, i was blessed with plenty of pregnancy visits. I had blood work every other day, and ultrasounds once a week. Watching our little peanut grow and develop was the most amazing experience of our lives. The first couple weeks passed without complication, and our families were elated with our great news.

The first week of May, our uneventful pregnancy was changing fast. My beta levels had not doubled, and an ectopic pregnancy was suspected. I was advised to get to the doctors office as soon as possible for an ultrasound and possible shot to terminate the pregnancy. I was devastated. Upon arrival to the doctors office, an ultrasound showed the most perfect little gestational sac, and it was right where it was supposed to be in the uterus. We were amazed, as was the doctor. Although the prognosis was still not good because my levels were not doubling, there was still hope. I was advised to take it easy, and come back in 3 days for more blood work. Each course of blood work continued to say the same thing, non doubling betas, and now my progesterone levels had begun to drop. I was placed on meds to up my progesterone and to follow up in another few days. My life has turned into a waiting game.

The progesterone levels had began to stabilize and the betas were still increasing, we held on to hope. Our next ultrasound still showed just the sac and what they think is a yolk sac and fetal pole, but they were not certain. I was scheduled to come back in a week to check again. The next week was the same thing, our new diagnosis was a blighted ovum. Again, after holding onto the littlest bit of hope, we were crushed again. Our next appointment was scheduled with the RE rather than just the tech, this was the deciding ultrasound.

I lay on the table, and the ultrasound began. The hubby always stood to the side so he would be able to see the ultrasound and i would look to him for reassurance. The RE did some measurements, and said
"congratulations, there is a heart beat" My whole body just felt weightless. This was the best news that we have ever heard. Our little Poppy had a heartbeat! The doctor said, "this isn't text book, But its looking good". I didn't care what text book was, our baby was in there, and had a beating heart. Finally we were able to space our next appointment to 2 weeks away, and after that i would be released to a regular OB.

Two weeks pass, and we soaked in the glory of knowing we were so much closer to having a child of our own. Our ultrasound was with the RE again, and I felt confident in seeing our little one again. As the ultrasound begins, there is complete silence. I look to my hubby for support and he is watching the screen, and not looking toward me. As the silence progresses, i know that something is wrong. Our baby had passed away, and we were having a missed miscarriage. I began to sob, I couldn't believe after such great news 2 weeks before, our whole world was shattered. I had a d&c on June 2nd, and recovery began.

Recovering from losing a child is something that I could have never comprehended before now. Its a sadness in your heart that nothing can compare to. Nothing anyone says or does can help the pain go away. Relying on the phrase "in time god heals all" is all that got me by. It cant possibly hurt this bad for long.

Today is the present, It has been nearly 6 weeks from the loss of our baby, and it has gotten easier. I have realised that the 12 weeks that i did get to have my baby inside me were the greatest 12 weeks of my life. Nothing can compare to knowing that your child hears your heart from the inside, and your bond starts before their first breath. We planted a tree in memory of Poppy, and all things that remind us of this time are in a memory box. Some days are still hard, but each day is better than the last.

We once again begin our journey. This time for an earth baby, one to take home that our little angel can watch over.