Sunday, May 27, 2012

Babies first pic!!!

Dont know if 1 or 2 implanted, but at this point it doesnt matter. I am happy either way!
Such beautiful babies!!!

I POAS.....

And, I cannot believe that I am able to say this..... IM PREGNANT!!!!! Its still very very early as I am only 8dp3dt but it was positive. We are in such awe right now, and although I know things can change in an instant, I am enjoying every single second!

P.S if you know me in person... This is still a big secret!!!

Heres the test, look hard!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

3 snowbabies!!!

I cant believe it, But the last remaining 3 embryos that we did not transfer made it to blasts stage and were frozen! I am in awe. What an amazing day!!! Stats to follow... Just waiting to talk to the doctor!

Sunday, May 20, 2012


Im officially PUPO!!!! Pregnant until proven otherwise!!! And I cant believe it!

Aside from bedrest sucking because I am so board. I am elated, I am so happy, I am content! I just pray pray pray that these babies or baby stick around. Until then, I will do everything I can to encourage that growth and implantation!!!


Ill post a pic of our two embabies later, for now, laying on the couch!
Life is great right now, And I dont ever want to forget this feeling of bliss!!!

I just hope it lasts!


I get to pick my Embabies up today!!! I dont know how many yet, or how they are, but im happy!!!

Morning started out amazing, had acupuncture at 7am, which was my first time, and I loved it! I was so relaxed and just ready for the transfer!

When we arrived at the clinic, I got undressed, and started drinking the water for the ultrasound. I drank about 48 ounces  and felt pretty full, but it wasnt enough. I had to drink more. I think I ended up with about 80 some ounces. But anyways, The RE came to my room and said " You have some great looking embryos!:" Can you believe it! My 5 all made it and look great! What a reliefe!!! I actually high fived the doctor I was so excited!!!! (p.s that was after the valium, lol)

I had went into this thinking I would want to transfer 3 on day 3. But he insisted on only 2, and that 3 would really up the chances of triplets! So 2 rock stars it is!!! The transfer went amazing! I couldnt ask for a more perfect day!!!

May 18th

So, even though I know that they dont check the embryos on day 2, I had to call the RE to  tell them my fears of none making it to transfer....

She quickly reassured me that if for some reason they thought that they wouldnt make it, we would have already knew. And that if for some god awful reason something changes, we would know before the appt on Sat..

This finally put my nerves at ease. Even if only 1 made it, I was happy we would get a chance!

Day after ER...

Got another call today from the RE.... More sad news... Of the 14 retrieved only 6 were mature and of those 6, 5 fertilized with ICSI....

We are scheduled for a 3 day transfer on Sat... Please please please embabies make it till then...

Egg retrieval!!!

On mothers day, I went back into the RE for ultrasound and blood work and I had 35+ follicles!!!! 18 were mature that day and tons of others on their way! I was ecstatic! I would lower my dose of Menopur to 75ui and keep follistim the same. Appt Monday morning to check things out!

Monday morning: Everything looks amazing and its time to trigger! I triggered at 830 Monday night for our retrieval on Wednesday morning at 730.

Wednesday morning couldn't come fast enough, I was sore, so sore it was hard to move, sleep, or even function. It was a rough couple days for sure. Wednesday came and we were on our way to retrieval!

Once we arrived at the clinic I got into one of those super flattering gowns that hardly covered my butt and got into bed! The anesthesiology came to insert my iv and had to poke me 3 times. That was horrible. I hate having bad veins. But once it was in, it was fine. I got some meds to relax, went to the bathroom one last time, said bye to the hubby, and went to the ER room.

Once on the table, legs in stirrups, and arms out on separate parts of the table, A mask was placed on me to breath in some oxygen. Then the real drugs were inserted in my iv. To la la land I went.

I awoke in the recovery area and felt some pretty strong cramps and really had to pee! I asked to pee, even though I was clearly still asleep, and they said they would bring a bed pan. I nixed that Idea and just held it! I got some pain meds and asked how many we got..... That's when my world came crashing down beside me.

14..... The doctor tells me... the rest were empty. I was devastated. How could that happen? How could more than half of the follicles that were growing so big and making me so uncomfortable just be empty? I went home and did what any other crazy person would do... consulted Dr. Google....

Empty Follicle syndrome is what I came up with. Causes, reasons, success after, treatments, and other personal stories.. I wasn't alone.

I found lots of resources that i will use in case we do have to do ivf again, which at this point, looks likes the case....

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Be Gentle

I came across something like this on some one elses blog. Ironically, the time frames add up exactly.
So, here is my story, what is it like living with infertility.

What can I say? It's seeing your life on hold, while you watch everyone's flying by. It's wanting something so precious, but increasingly elusive. It's wanting to hold a baby in your arms. Not someone else's baby, but your baby.

It's wanting to be pregnant. To be sick. To have swollen ankles. To stay up all night, rocking a screaming newborn.

And trying, at first casually, then slightly worried, frantically, desperately, and devastatingly, numbingly.

It's trying everything, absolutely everything. It's being on prenatals, just in case. It's thinking about what you will be doing next year for Christmas, you know, when you have a baby. And then next year. And then the year after that.

It's planning how you will announce the news. For Easter we will put the good news in an Easter Egg, around Mother's Day we will give a rattle as a gift, for Halloween we will dress up as a Bun in the Oven.

It was maybe silly, but you spent hours thinking about it. And hours thinking about names. Writing them down. Trying different spellings. Realizing that Atticus Scott Stewart had an unfortunate acronym.

It's mourning the life you dreamed. It's trying to adjust to the might nots. It's protecting your increasingly delicate heart. It's sobbing every month, because you were a little late, you thought maybe this time. Month, after month, after month. 72 months of trying, 2,190 days of hoping.

It's being poked and prodded, and giving up blood, and urine. Tests that hurt, tests that are embarrassing, tests that are scary.

It's bolstering your heart, preparing for the worst, and hoping, in the tiniest place in your heart, for the best. Because if you don't, and a babe in arms isn't waiting, you know you could lose yourself.

It's being desperate to give all your love to a child. Children. It's imagining picnics, soccer games, vacations.

It's wanting to comb curly hair, or maybe straight, and wash freckly skin, or maybe clear. And sing songs about boogie monsters, and smell fresh washed hair, falling asleep with a warm body next too you.

It's being afraid to say things out loud, because you might make them true.

It's uncertainty. Deafening uncertainty. Overwhelming fear, that you put into a box. And try not to look in to.

It's lonely.

It's rejoicing in other mothers, other babies, other lives. But still not wanting to hear about the ease of others conceptions.

It's staying quiet when told, "Adopt, then you will get pregnant. Think positive, then you will get pregnant. Try acupuncture, then you will get pregnant. Relax, then you will get pregnant"

It's being positive for others, because they want you to be happy, but you really just want to say,"I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken."

It's being diagnosed with "unexplained," which basically means we don't know, which leads to, "we really can't say what will work and what wont." So it adds up to a high stakes guessing game.

It's shots, after shots, after shots, after shots. It's bruises, in various places, your heart being one of them. It's money that you don't have, but don't regret spending, but still don't have.

It's recognizing that nobody really understands that your dreams, although not quite dead, are at breaking stage. It's a limbo between joy and sadness, happiness and pain.

It's realizing that the treatments you are now doing, are the end of the line for pregnancy. And here you are 6 years older than when you first started this, when you thought you would be done, but really you are just beginning. 

It's knowing that you can put everything you have left, into this last ditch effort, all your money, all your emotions, all your walls, and recognize that you can give it everything, but that doesn't guarantee anything. Only 40%.

It's putting your faith in God. Completely. You have no other choice. You have been completely
humbled. But you recognize your way isn't God's way. And Faith is a hard road sometimes.

Be gentle. Infertility is a lonely valley, traveled by two people, clinging to each other with all their might.

Day 7 of stims

Today is the 7th day I have had to stab myself in the belly to inject hormones to hopefully make some eggs grow. Based off my last two ultrasounds from day 6 of stims and day 4 of stims here is what we know.
May 9th: we had 14 follicles under 10 on the left and 13 follicles under 10 on the right. We also had 3 follicles measuring 10 on the left. Lining was an 8 If i remember correctly. First impression of this was not what I expected. I know I respond poorly, and I wanted more eggs than 3!

May 11th: we had 16 eggs on each side! Right side had a 15,14,12,12,12,10 and left had 3 10's. I think they said lining was a 12. We also had a follie measuring at 17 which we will ignore and hopefully he will stop sucking the juice from all the meds. This ultrasound also showed I needed to start Ganirelx which will prevent my body from ovulating on my own.

We are now up to 3 shots a day! Ganirelx in the morning at 730. And 150 of both Menopur and Follistim in the evening at 730-830. All are ok. Follistim hurting the least and menopur the most. The needle on the Ganirelx is dull for some reason and makes it hard for me to do that one on my own. The  hubby does that one for me.

Tentative ER will be next thursday-sat. Hopefully tomorrow will show more eggs growing and a better estimate on ER day.