Looking back...

I was looking back at a blog that I have that is private. I Kept it as a journal, as my struggle with infertility was overwhelming to me. Writing has become very therapeutic and way of releasing the feelings that I tend to keep inside. My Bumpie friends had a post today that asked what we do to keep ourselves going every month after getting BFN's over and over again. Honestly, it doesn't ever get easier to see that BFN month after month. I guess its just the way of coping with it that matters. Before my last miscarriage I actually got used to not testing, and just waiting for the dreaded AF to come. It was easier for me then letting myself down with a bfn. When we found out we were pregnant it was by blood work, and ironically I was still terrified to take a pregnancy test. All the horrible feelings that I got every month after see the negative result were rushing back to me, even though I WAS pregnant. It was a horrible feeling.

I am still grieving over the loss of our baby, its harder some days than others. When I think about the "would haves" I get upset. But its all part of grieving. I am very much looking forward to our next round of fertility meds. Praying that it wont possibly take as long to conceive this time as it as in the past. Only god knows when it will happen, and I have really begun to leave my fate in his hands.