Monday, September 27, 2010

Robbed of the joys of pregnancy...

I have done nothing but dwell on the fact that anyone who has gone through a miscarriage has been totally robbed of the joys of experiencing pregnancy. Once you have had your heart broken by the disheartning news of your child gone to soon, you will never heal enough to be able to enjoy pregnancy and all of the glory that comes with it. You will always think that something is wrong, count every kick, and grip the ultrasound table and hold your breath untill you hear the tinest heart beating again, if only for another week.

I dreamt of the day that I would be a mother, hear the pitter patters of little feet, the slobbery kisses of an infant showing their undying love, and more so the weight of a sleeping child laying on my chest. I have felt the joy of pending parenthood, only to have it ripped away. It was so close, yest so far away. A miscarriage is by far the greatest test of faith that I have ever experienced. I blamed alot on god in the first few weeks after we lost our baby, only to realize that although this wasnt fair to be goining through, there was no reason God would want me and my family to hurt this bad. Our miscarriage happened, and God hurts with me... This is what has got me through. I am still on this journey that is now forever changed. Things will never be the same as they were the 1st or even 2nd time I carried our child within me, I will never be able to sleep peacefully at night, I will always be scared for what tomorrow will bring. Odd to think that way, because I get through the days now, knowing that tomorrow is always another day. How can you in life want tomorrow to come so bad, but then dread its arrival at all the same time.

I just pray that when we are granted the fulfilled dream of a take home baby, that I am able to enjoy every second of the 9 months leading to their arrival. I hope that deep down i'll be able to look past the hurt of loosing every child before that one, and be able to see that somehow that one is different. I hope.... Thats all I can do.


Post a Comment