Wednesday, August 4, 2010


There are times in your life when you feel like giving up, throwing in the towel, or just forgetting about everything and moving on. I have came to that point one to many times, and yet still have not given up. The undying strength from inside somehow gets me through this infertility battle, and reassures me that someday, somehow, I will be a "Mom". I don't know when it will happen, or what we will have to do to get there, But I do know that I have learned that I cannot question Gods time.

No one knows why mine and so many other wonderful mothers children were taken so soon. To never experience the warmth of them being  held in our arms, and forever impact the way our heart knows how to love. The second that the pregnancy test that you have ever so patiently waited for turned positive, you are a mother. You are carrying the greatest gift in the world, a baby, Your baby! You learn that your heart loves in a different way, almost an indescribable way. Its like no other love that you have ever felt, and stronger than you could have ever imagined. This little child is growing inside your safe womb, to be nurtured, loved, and comforted by the one place he or she will ever know. He/ she will never meet the outside world, as their presences is only felt from inside. Unknown to ourselves that we will never meet this child, we love them with every piece of our bodies, heart, and soul. An unconditional love, that in time will teach us so much more about life and love.
Hopes and dreams shattered in an instant, an unforgettable ultrasound with devastating news. Often the last memories we have of our little one is laying on the table in complete silence, our heart heavy knowing that the silence that is around us, is not a good sign. Tears well up in our eyes, knowing what the doctor is about to say. And yet, still completely lose it when the doctor says "I'm so sorry". Already knowing the news, you hold on to hope that something, anything would change, And this is all a dream nightmare... Nothing changes, and the grieving process must begin. We never learn how to grieve the loss of a child, let alone a child that we have never had the chance to formally meet. I often think that this is why this sort of grieving is so much harder than any other loss. Its not supposed to happen this way, our out look for the happiest days of our lives, have forever changed. We have no choice but to accept it, and find some sort of normalcy amongst the heart break.

Its been 2+ months since our Little Poppy left this world. And I can honestly say that it does get easier; not better as the pain doesn't ever go away, but yet a little easier to cope with. In the first weeks after our loss, I was in such a dark place in life. The sadness that my heart felt was absolutely indescribable. My heart hurt; ached so badly that I knew that nothing would heal it, Nothing but time. Time does heal all, or so I have been told. I wouldn't exactly call it healing, as our hearts never heal that sort of loss. I would say that its more of a learning process, we learn to mend the open wounds and get by day by day. We never forget the child or children that we have lost, And not a day goes by that subtle things remind us of what once was.

I used to feel anger and hurt when looking at all these women who could bare child after child, without even thinking of how they would provide for them, or even planning to have them. Some women are just handed this special gift without question, without truly wanting. I have learned that asking why, gets your nowhere. It doesn't change what you have and what you have lost. What it does change is how to look at the future, and what you will do with it. Having struggled with infertility and lost a two children through miscarriages, I know that when I am granted the greatest gift of a child that makes it to my arms, I will be ready. I will have wanted this child for years, cried for this child for many endless nights, and prayed for this child that I have yet to meet. I will be the best mother that anyone could be, moreso  than ever because of the struggle it took to get there. I will enjoy the cries of a infant needing the loving touch of their mother in the middle of the night, or the feedings that wake you every other hour. Little moments of watching my child rest peacefully in my arms will ever go unnoticed. Cherishing every second that you have, knowing that it all matters.  Every second of their life, cherishing every breath they take, I will smile and know that this is what I have worked so hard for. This is why I never gave up; You, my child are why I have continued to go on. I know that I will meet you one day, and until then, I will continue to try....


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