Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I spent hours (OK, really minutes, but they were long hard thinking minutes) trying to think of a name for this post..... As you can see, there is no title, so from that you can tell that my thinking was unsuccessful. I realize it has been a really long time since my last post. To be honest, with both you and myself, I have been trying to figure out why writing here was so therapeutic at one point and yet so heartbreaking at another. So much has happened since I last posted, its honestly hard to say what really derailed the train. So, in order to spare endless posts of sadness, pity, and dreadful emotion, I will hopefully some it up in just a few paragraphs. HA!

March 2nd was my last post, so here it goes!

March 14th: Lost my job. I have never ever ever been fired from a job. I pride myself in being a teachers/boss's pet. (yes I realize that's sad). I unfortunately allowed myself to become far to close with my boss and confide in her the amount of stress that I was under with having a miscarriage and continuing to try to have a baby, all while my younger sister gets pregnant without trying. Crushing yes. However, I felt that honestly was the best policy. WRONG. Keep your personal life to yourself ladies, screw letting your boss know whats really going on, your not close, she is lying to you. So long story short, she cut my days to 4 days rather than 5. Then, through mutual conversation she finds out that we are pursuing more invasive procedures to try for a baby. Everythings great, WRONG again. She decides to tell me she needs me back 5 days. Well, I wouldn't have pursued IUI and all the appointments while working 5 days because it just leaves no time for all the appointments and what not. I tell her that I cant at this point, but I will eventually. She reassures me that's OK. A week later, FIRED.

That's not even the worst part. She denied unemployment. Because I COULDN'T work 5 days. I never said I couldn't, I said I didn't want to come back 5 days.

Very frustrating.

So... Here I am, thinking I am going to win Housewife of the year.

Epic Fail!

I have fallen into a depression that has been harder to kick than a bad habit with crack. I find it hard to function, let alone do anything that means anything with my life. My sisters shower is fast approaching, still don't have a job, no money, no baby, and I'm really ready to jump off a cliff. (Not for real)

So. Seems like we are all caught up here. Oh wait, One more thing cycle 1 and 2 were both fails for the IUI. And the 3rd round of meds only produced 1 egg, so I cancelled the cycle. I wasn't comfortable going ahead with another IUI with only 1 egg. Not enough chance I thought. Crazy maybe, but financially I had to. We are now trying to get into a study that offers 4 IUI's. I wont know anything on that till about August.

So until then, We will try the old fashioned way, pray for a freaking miracle, and hope that I can pick myself up enough in order to support my sister through the rest of the pregnancy. This has proven to be much harder than I anticipated.
Every time I think I'm strong, and can see her, I lose it and have to back out. I just can't do it. I can be find around any other person that's pregnant, just not her, not now, not when I wanted this so bad, and it was just handed to someone else.

If your still reading, thanks, I really mean it. Thanks for sticking through my drama. Ill be back soon.


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