Tuesday, June 14, 2011


The reality of the possibility of never having our own blood child is hitting hard lately. Its very possible that we may never have our own children without coming across a large amount of money to fund those treatments. And even after that, reality is they may not work. There is no guarantee.

Im also realizing that no matter what im going trough people won't understand. Im pretty sure I have lost the relationship with my sister because of this, and maybe my mother. I don't know. Its hard. It sucks. It's completely heart breaking.

My sister was given the greatest gift, and although this may not be the opportune time for her, in my eyes its a gift, a miracle, my dream. What she doesnt see is how hard it is for me to be there for her, when the one part of my puzzle is missing and she is living my dream, the life that I would give anything for. Its not her fault, i know this wasnt done on purpose, but it hurts. It really hurts.

Something people who are not required to try for a baby don't realize is that for us who can't have children suffer. We suffer everyday. We think about having children every waking second of our lives. And you, You were just given the greatest gift without even wanting it. Its not fair.

So while your out enjoying your pregnancy, or suffering because you think your not ready. Think about the women who have been trying, who have spent thousands of dollars in treatments, who cry themselves to sleep at night. Think about how bad they feel for once. And try and do something to help them. Support them in their struggles and accept that its just not easy for us to be around you all the time. Although we cannot physically support you, we always think about you, support you emotionally or maybe even talk through text or email. This is the only way we can support you without crushing our soul. We may even buy things for you, even though, only time will tell if we are able to give it to you.

So please, Just understand. This is hard. This is a struggle that you would never understand, nor will you have to live. Its my life, my struggle, and I do not have a book telling me how im supposed to cope you someone so close getting pregnant.....


A Shadow of My Former Self said...

The last paragraph of this post hit me hard. I've gone through/am going through something similar. I've lost family who just did not understand how hard it was for me to cope with someone close who got pregnant (long story, aren't they all?).

I am also lost. I don't know if I'll ever find my way back to being me, to being happy to feeling normal. I'm sorry you are feeling similar. This really is awful and I wish I knew what to say and do. Take care of yourself.

Aime32 said...

Sarah I'm there with you. I have, and still am, slipping away from my side of the family because they just don't understand. My sister is also experiencing one of the greatest parts of life (and very quickly might I add). Unfortunately most people will never understand the tears, the stress, the emotions, the fears, and the defeat we all face.

I've been lost and afraid I will never found. I have this constand fear that once/if I do get to exerpience this miracle I've been longing for, I may not be happy.

These are horrible feelings that I guess come with this journey. Take care of yourself!

Sarah said...

Im so sorry that you too, are dealing with this. Sometimes understanding does not just come with empathy, In this situation you really have to live it t understand. And as much as I want people to understand, I would not wish this journey on anyone... Thanks for reading, Your in my prayers!

Sarah said...

A shadow of my former self,
I know exactly what it feels like to just not be sure if you will ever find the old you. I recently had someone tell me that they wanted the old me back. The me that was able to put everything aside in order to help anyone. Although I still do this, Its hard. And I didnt think that I made it that noticeable that I wasnt able to be there for my sister, but apparently this doesnt go unnoticed. I hate that, I hate thinking that Im different. But I am, this has changed me, changed the way that I feel, think, understand, everything. Everything about me is different because of this. I hate it, I have such hostile feelings that I have never had before. I am no longer the happy go lucky, carefree, joyous person that I once was. All because I want what everyone else is able to have.
Thanks for reading, please know, Im here for you and praying! One day it has to be different right?

Post a Comment