mondays= music

I have thought of a great way to start mondays... Its going to be called Monday Music...
For mondays from now on I have decided to post a music video or song. This song will either relate to how I feel, felt, or just really enjoy.  Something that I can connect to. Mondays usually suck, not just for me but for anyone who has to hear the dreaded alarm first thing in the morning! So lift your heads from your soft pillow, and listen to the jams! What are some of your favorite songs?

This week: Miley Cyrus "The Climb"
Yes, this song is by someone young, but the lyrics really hit home. Listen to it... Its all about the climb!

lost.

The reality of the possibility of never having our own blood child is hitting hard lately. Its very possible that we may never have our own children without coming across a large amount of money to fund those treatments. And even after that, reality is they may not work. There is no guarantee.

Im also realizing that no matter what im going trough people won't understand. Im pretty sure I have lost the relationship with my sister because of this, and maybe my mother. I don't know. Its hard. It sucks. It's completely heart breaking.

My sister was given the greatest gift, and although this may not be the opportune time for her, in my eyes its a gift, a miracle, my dream. What she doesnt see is how hard it is for me to be there for her, when the one part of my puzzle is missing and she is living my dream, the life that I would give anything for. Its not her fault, i know this wasnt done on purpose, but it hurts. It really hurts.

Something people who are not required to try for a baby don't realize is that for us who can't have children suffer. We suffer everyday. We think about having children every waking second of our lives. And you, You were just given the greatest gift without even wanting it. Its not fair.

So while your out enjoying your pregnancy, or suffering because you think your not ready. Think about the women who have been trying, who have spent thousands of dollars in treatments, who cry themselves to sleep at night. Think about how bad they feel for once. And try and do something to help them. Support them in their struggles and accept that its just not easy for us to be around you all the time. Although we cannot physically support you, we always think about you, support you emotionally or maybe even talk through text or email. This is the only way we can support you without crushing our soul. We may even buy things for you, even though, only time will tell if we are able to give it to you.

So please, Just understand. This is hard. This is a struggle that you would never understand, nor will you have to live. Its my life, my struggle, and I do not have a book telling me how im supposed to cope you someone so close getting pregnant.....

Emotions

I have never really been all that great at expressing my emotions. I am kind of the person that would rather hold it all in than talk about it. I realized through my past relationships and even the present one that holding it in gets you nowhere. Not only does it not get your feelings heard, but it also causes a huge flood of tears when no ones around. I guess you could say I was a closet crier. LOL.

Anyways, ever since we have been really trying things have changed. I am so emotional! Maybe its due to the drugs, all the hormones that are continuously pumped into my body, or maybe I have just succumbed what I have really always been feeling. Who know, but I hate it. I hate being the weepy type and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Its much easier to hide your emotion than to let everyone know you hurt. UGH!

To bad theres no way to fix this, I know there is no going back to the emotionless person I pretended to be. But that life was so much easier!

Rant over...

Sarah

I spent hours (OK, really minutes, but they were long hard thinking minutes) trying to think of a name for this post..... As you can see, there is no title, so from that you can tell that my thinking was unsuccessful. I realize it has been a really long time since my last post. To be honest, with both you and myself, I have been trying to figure out why writing here was so therapeutic at one point and yet so heartbreaking at another. So much has happened since I last posted, its honestly hard to say what really derailed the train. So, in order to spare endless posts of sadness, pity, and dreadful emotion, I will hopefully some it up in just a few paragraphs. HA!

March 2nd was my last post, so here it goes!

March 14th: Lost my job. I have never ever ever been fired from a job. I pride myself in being a teachers/boss's pet. (yes I realize that's sad). I unfortunately allowed myself to become far to close with my boss and confide in her the amount of stress that I was under with having a miscarriage and continuing to try to have a baby, all while my younger sister gets pregnant without trying. Crushing yes. However, I felt that honestly was the best policy. WRONG. Keep your personal life to yourself ladies, screw letting your boss know whats really going on, your not close, she is lying to you. So long story short, she cut my days to 4 days rather than 5. Then, through mutual conversation she finds out that we are pursuing more invasive procedures to try for a baby. Everythings great, WRONG again. She decides to tell me she needs me back 5 days. Well, I wouldn't have pursued IUI and all the appointments while working 5 days because it just leaves no time for all the appointments and what not. I tell her that I cant at this point, but I will eventually. She reassures me that's OK. A week later, FIRED.

That's not even the worst part. She denied unemployment. Because I COULDN'T work 5 days. I never said I couldn't, I said I didn't want to come back 5 days.

Very frustrating.

So... Here I am, thinking I am going to win Housewife of the year.

Fail!
Epic Fail!

I have fallen into a depression that has been harder to kick than a bad habit with crack. I find it hard to function, let alone do anything that means anything with my life. My sisters shower is fast approaching, still don't have a job, no money, no baby, and I'm really ready to jump off a cliff. (Not for real)

So. Seems like we are all caught up here. Oh wait, One more thing cycle 1 and 2 were both fails for the IUI. And the 3rd round of meds only produced 1 egg, so I cancelled the cycle. I wasn't comfortable going ahead with another IUI with only 1 egg. Not enough chance I thought. Crazy maybe, but financially I had to. We are now trying to get into a study that offers 4 IUI's. I wont know anything on that till about August.

So until then, We will try the old fashioned way, pray for a freaking miracle, and hope that I can pick myself up enough in order to support my sister through the rest of the pregnancy. This has proven to be much harder than I anticipated.
Every time I think I'm strong, and can see her, I lose it and have to back out. I just can't do it. I can be find around any other person that's pregnant, just not her, not now, not when I wanted this so bad, and it was just handed to someone else.

If your still reading, thanks, I really mean it. Thanks for sticking through my drama. Ill be back soon.