not alone.

Being alone is a feeling that I am pretty sure everyone with infertility feels like they are going through. I often still feel alone, but not alone physically or emotionally, its a different alone. Alone like im the only one who wants something so bad and cant have it. Throughout the last few months I have begun talking to an old friend, who unfortunately is going through the same thing. Her friendship and kind words can get me through even the toughest days. I love our conversations on facebook and know that I can tell her anything about infertility and my feelings and she understands, truly understands, not just telling me she understands. I love this. And I am so thankful that god has brought someone into my life that makes me feel a little less alone.

Today she sent me a message on facebook of a song that she wanted to share. Its funny, I have never told her of this blog, so she wouldnt know that I like to relate songs to life. But this one is touching, emotional, raw, and so heartfelt that I just knew that it would be this weeks song. Beware, its a tear jerker....

Happy Wednesday! Hope you all enjoy the rest of the week. By the way, I go next tuesday to a screening appointment to get into a study for people with infertility. I am praying I get in, It offers 4 IUI's. And financially this would really help us since we would have this amazing opportunity with no cost to us. Please keep me in your prayers!

xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo 

Wednesday already?

So apparently I missed monday's post. LOL. Ill touch on that later... Today, im thankful today. Im glad the weekend is over, im glad to be back home and on the same schedule. The weekend was rough. A planned vacation turned out to be more work on my behalf. Work to stay calm, emotionless, and keep my heart out of it. It was hard to say the least. We ended up coming home early, it was what was best for us. We needed to get ourselves out of a situation that was breaking our hearts.

Other than that, I had a great BBQ with another friend who is sort of going through infertility as well. We can joke about being the infertiles and have a good time wallowing in sorrow. HaHa.

So, my monday song... A few days late but better late than never...
But before I go onto todays song, I totally didnt explain why I chose the last one. Even thought its pretty self explanatory, I will relate it to my life. I find that relating songs to my life sometimes makes it easier to see that its normal. I dunno, I could just be weird.
The climb: Well, for starters, this is a climb, infertility is a huge climb. I used to pitty everyday that I was and am not pregnant, now I have learned through many great people that the climb and struggle are just as important as the gift in the end. What scares me most is that I will always be in the climb. But, I cant think that way, I have to think that there is some sort of positive outcome.... So, enjoy the climb, learn something along the way, and never take today for granted.

Mondays song: I chose is by Josh Groban Called You raise me up... I chose this song today because even though I don't want to believe that god has sent me on this terrible journey, I know there is a reason. A reason that I may never know, and I need to rely on God to show me the way.



When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

mondays= music

I have thought of a great way to start mondays... Its going to be called Monday Music...
For mondays from now on I have decided to post a music video or song. This song will either relate to how I feel, felt, or just really enjoy.  Something that I can connect to. Mondays usually suck, not just for me but for anyone who has to hear the dreaded alarm first thing in the morning! So lift your heads from your soft pillow, and listen to the jams! What are some of your favorite songs?

This week: Miley Cyrus "The Climb"
Yes, this song is by someone young, but the lyrics really hit home. Listen to it... Its all about the climb!

lost.

The reality of the possibility of never having our own blood child is hitting hard lately. Its very possible that we may never have our own children without coming across a large amount of money to fund those treatments. And even after that, reality is they may not work. There is no guarantee.

Im also realizing that no matter what im going trough people won't understand. Im pretty sure I have lost the relationship with my sister because of this, and maybe my mother. I don't know. Its hard. It sucks. It's completely heart breaking.

My sister was given the greatest gift, and although this may not be the opportune time for her, in my eyes its a gift, a miracle, my dream. What she doesnt see is how hard it is for me to be there for her, when the one part of my puzzle is missing and she is living my dream, the life that I would give anything for. Its not her fault, i know this wasnt done on purpose, but it hurts. It really hurts.

Something people who are not required to try for a baby don't realize is that for us who can't have children suffer. We suffer everyday. We think about having children every waking second of our lives. And you, You were just given the greatest gift without even wanting it. Its not fair.

So while your out enjoying your pregnancy, or suffering because you think your not ready. Think about the women who have been trying, who have spent thousands of dollars in treatments, who cry themselves to sleep at night. Think about how bad they feel for once. And try and do something to help them. Support them in their struggles and accept that its just not easy for us to be around you all the time. Although we cannot physically support you, we always think about you, support you emotionally or maybe even talk through text or email. This is the only way we can support you without crushing our soul. We may even buy things for you, even though, only time will tell if we are able to give it to you.

So please, Just understand. This is hard. This is a struggle that you would never understand, nor will you have to live. Its my life, my struggle, and I do not have a book telling me how im supposed to cope you someone so close getting pregnant.....

Emotions

I have never really been all that great at expressing my emotions. I am kind of the person that would rather hold it all in than talk about it. I realized through my past relationships and even the present one that holding it in gets you nowhere. Not only does it not get your feelings heard, but it also causes a huge flood of tears when no ones around. I guess you could say I was a closet crier. LOL.

Anyways, ever since we have been really trying things have changed. I am so emotional! Maybe its due to the drugs, all the hormones that are continuously pumped into my body, or maybe I have just succumbed what I have really always been feeling. Who know, but I hate it. I hate being the weepy type and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Its much easier to hide your emotion than to let everyone know you hurt. UGH!

To bad theres no way to fix this, I know there is no going back to the emotionless person I pretended to be. But that life was so much easier!

Rant over...

Sarah

I spent hours (OK, really minutes, but they were long hard thinking minutes) trying to think of a name for this post..... As you can see, there is no title, so from that you can tell that my thinking was unsuccessful. I realize it has been a really long time since my last post. To be honest, with both you and myself, I have been trying to figure out why writing here was so therapeutic at one point and yet so heartbreaking at another. So much has happened since I last posted, its honestly hard to say what really derailed the train. So, in order to spare endless posts of sadness, pity, and dreadful emotion, I will hopefully some it up in just a few paragraphs. HA!

March 2nd was my last post, so here it goes!

March 14th: Lost my job. I have never ever ever been fired from a job. I pride myself in being a teachers/boss's pet. (yes I realize that's sad). I unfortunately allowed myself to become far to close with my boss and confide in her the amount of stress that I was under with having a miscarriage and continuing to try to have a baby, all while my younger sister gets pregnant without trying. Crushing yes. However, I felt that honestly was the best policy. WRONG. Keep your personal life to yourself ladies, screw letting your boss know whats really going on, your not close, she is lying to you. So long story short, she cut my days to 4 days rather than 5. Then, through mutual conversation she finds out that we are pursuing more invasive procedures to try for a baby. Everythings great, WRONG again. She decides to tell me she needs me back 5 days. Well, I wouldn't have pursued IUI and all the appointments while working 5 days because it just leaves no time for all the appointments and what not. I tell her that I cant at this point, but I will eventually. She reassures me that's OK. A week later, FIRED.

That's not even the worst part. She denied unemployment. Because I COULDN'T work 5 days. I never said I couldn't, I said I didn't want to come back 5 days.

Very frustrating.

So... Here I am, thinking I am going to win Housewife of the year.

Fail!
Epic Fail!

I have fallen into a depression that has been harder to kick than a bad habit with crack. I find it hard to function, let alone do anything that means anything with my life. My sisters shower is fast approaching, still don't have a job, no money, no baby, and I'm really ready to jump off a cliff. (Not for real)

So. Seems like we are all caught up here. Oh wait, One more thing cycle 1 and 2 were both fails for the IUI. And the 3rd round of meds only produced 1 egg, so I cancelled the cycle. I wasn't comfortable going ahead with another IUI with only 1 egg. Not enough chance I thought. Crazy maybe, but financially I had to. We are now trying to get into a study that offers 4 IUI's. I wont know anything on that till about August.

So until then, We will try the old fashioned way, pray for a freaking miracle, and hope that I can pick myself up enough in order to support my sister through the rest of the pregnancy. This has proven to be much harder than I anticipated.
Every time I think I'm strong, and can see her, I lose it and have to back out. I just can't do it. I can be find around any other person that's pregnant, just not her, not now, not when I wanted this so bad, and it was just handed to someone else.

If your still reading, thanks, I really mean it. Thanks for sticking through my drama. Ill be back soon.

bruised up!

Well today was my 6th day on the Follistim injections! I am so proud to have made it this far already!
The shots are not as bad as I thought, they really do not hurt much. I ice it up a bit and shoot it in! The side effects that I have been having are sore back, headache, very emotional, Tired and restless, and sore tatas! haha!
Oh, and dont forget the bruising that has taken over my body! I have never really been a bruiser and now that I am on the Baby Asprin daily I could bump into a pillow and get a bruise. So, with that said, my belly looks like a ladybugs back, cirlce bruises all over the dang place! I have also noticed random bruises all over my body and couldnt tell you where I got them.

So, since today is day 6 on the injections this puts me at CD11! We are getting closer to the IUI. I have an appointment on this Friday to see how the follies are growing and I think that it would give us a better idea as far as when we would be going to Grand Rapids for the procedure! I am full of emotion right now, every feeling that I could feel, I do. We have waited so long to get to this point and we are finally persuing this next step! SO SO scary! We obviously hope that this is the only IUI we have to do, But reality is that it probably wont be. I just hope that it happens in 3, because we just do not have the funds to do any more than that. Also, after 3 rounds the RE said we would do IVF with ICSI. And that is no where in our budget, so we would have to take a very long break from trying in order to say up the 20,000 to do that.

I know that this post was far from the last, I have just been keeping pretty busy between school and work and being super tired from the meds. I will post more often as the days get closer to the IUI.

Oh, Almost forgot... Freckled Pink is almost up and running! I am also putting alot of time into that as well!

Game on!

Ok, its official... The injectable drugs came today! And our First injection is tonight. I will be posting later after the injection. We plan to tape it, it should be pretty funny. ha. we shall see....

Here's the goods!



 
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Not bad, Its the only portion of IF treatment that has any coverage...



 I will post more later, I know I have been slacking. Of course I am sick today with a stomach bug, all which should make stabbing myself in the stomach that much more fun. lol

To Be Continued.......

We are on the wagon...

The IUI wagon that is!!! I will post more later, but for now, today is day 4 of our first IUI cycle with follistim. I start injections tomorrow!!!!

Thank you God, For encouraging me to persue this doctor and for keeping my faith high.

Dreaming

Dreaming that you take a pregnancy test and it is positive to only wake up and its negative totally feels like shit! Just in case you did not know. ha..

Have not started my period yet, Today is day 31 (maybe 30) I lost track. Its not over till AF shows. Even though I know its over because the test is negative. The prometrium (progesterone) supplement that I am taking is giving me pg symptoms and delaying my period. Hows that for ironic! jerks....
Anyways, I am ok with the delayed period right now, I have an appointment with The Fertility Center in Lansing on Wednesday. I am very excited for this, I want to start injectables and do iui this month. We finally have the funds and I am praying for a miracle (or a few). :) I just hope that this doctor knows that even If I am over stimulated from the injectable drugs, I still want to go ahead with the IUI. There is no such thing as too many blessings in my opinion, even if I need family to move in to help us! God would never give us more than we could handle!

Don't worry I have composed myself



After a glass of red wine and a few tears I have composed myself enough to write down my true feelings....

Ok, well not my true feelings because that could possibly get me kicked off blogspot, but something in comparrison to them....

Today would be 12 days past my first positive ovulation test, which means 12dpo, however I guess it could mean 11dpo if you count from the second positive ovulation test. I have never really found the answer of when you really start counting. lol.

So after holding my pee for like 5 hours at work, I finally made it home, peed in the tiny ass cup they sent me from earlypregnancytests.com not to mention all over my hand.( you would think after the many times ive done this I would have much better aim, not so much) I gave the test to my husband to put in the cup and read the results. After he took to long to read the directions I just read the damn test myself. NEG... I held it together and really just shrugged it off..... 

I dont know where I stand at this point. I am crampy, very sore boobs, headache (could be from the wine) :) , and tired. I could test again tomorrow, or just wait untill the witch shows up. I havent decided yet....

Ill keep you posted....Or me, I mean.. Not assuming anyones actually following my ramblings. lol

BFN=Big Freakin Negative

Its true, Getting a negative just never gets easier....
Please excuse me while I go cry myself into hyperventilation and then eat everything in my house...

wheres the damn USPS man...

Ok, I am officially pissed. I ordered a bunch of pregnancy tests, ovulation tests and some other random stuff from Earlypregnancytests.com and paid for 3 day shipping. Well I ordered on sat, so Yes I know it wouldn't get processed till Monday, well today is day 3 and no package.... Don't the USPS people know not to mess with the infertile group. UGH!!! I even saved my first pee this morning to test when the damn sticks came! (crazy I know)

11 DPO: ANGRY!

Im a loser!

And I LOVE IT!!!! LOL

This morning, I am now down 27 pounds...And I hit a major goal which was to be under 200.... Yes folks, I was over 200 (not happy bout that) But its reality! And why the hell not be real at this point. Struggling with IF is one thing, Being over weight is another. They are both tied to PCOS!

And Hell, Here's a pic from today's weigh in... For someone overweight that is losing, This is something to be proud of! We have been on our healthy lifestyle change since January 3rd! I am not restricting any crazy calories because my body needs to keep healthy while TTC.

Have a wonderful fantabulous overly happy day!!!



9DPO

How do I feel: Normal.... Honestly I don't feel any different. Makes me think that this cycle is a bust. But I will not let that discourage me. I ovulated! And for someone with PCOS that is more than 1/2 the battle! So for that I am so grateful! On another note, I have my appointment coming up with the RE, so I am excited for this. I have decided that I want to continue on clomid, But also use injectables. I am hoping the RE is good with that as well!

Also, I am in desperate need of your help to pick a name for my Boutique. My great friend Amy and I have seriously been trying to chose one for months if not almost a year! LOL. So I have linked my survey to the left hand side of this page at the top. Please check it out! Thanks!



Back to the pregnancy thing, I ordered like 15 tests. LOL, seriously who does that. Heres to hoping I will only need 1, but lets be for real. That probably wont happen. I also ordered some stuff for TTC, just in case. I seen a quote the other day that really made me laugh, " Only people with infertility think it is completely normal to buy tampons and pregnancy tests at the same time" LMAO, this cracks me up, Its beyond true!

So I decided that I will test when they come in the mail..... Maybe tomorrow?

5 DPO

I failed to track symptoms yesterday, I guess I was just to excited for finally receiving good news! That and I had tons of homework that I totally waited for the last minute to do... Sometimes being a procrastinator sucks!

Anyways, Yesterday really I didn't have many symptoms. And to be honest there isn't many today either. I have mild cramping on the right side very low down. Not sure what it is, but its hurt there for a while now. I was super tired this morning but I am pretty sure that it is because of the prometrium that I have to take now to keep my progesterone up. Other side effects today would be feeling bloated and very thirsty.



I have also came to the conclusion that being crafty has totally been my savior! Woo Hoo for everything crafty! Its not only a great stress relief but it is time consuming which keeps my mind busy and also I really just love everything crafty! I have decided to change my neglected "everyday life of Sarah blog, to something more spunky. It would be nice to write about something fun for once. Stay tuned. Ill update when my blog is ready!

Wooo Hooo, I love leaving the doctors encouraged!

Today was our appointment with the maternal fetal medicine doctor. Let me just start off by saying, he is truly amazing. Having a doctor tell me that their main priority is to help me have a healthy baby is enough to completely melt my heart. He was not only my superhero, but he understood where I was coming from and how much we have searched for someone to help us. He may not realize this, but he is truly a gift!

Okay, enough of the emotional part. Here is the results!

Today I am on day 20 of my cycle, 4 days past ovulation. (For those of you that have just started following my blog, Ovulation is huge!!! ) The treatment plan is based on keeping my blood from clotting so much, therefore the baby and my uterus have enough blood supply to sustain a pregnancy. I will take folgard, baby aspirin, prenatal, prometrium, and expectra until a positive pregnancy test. Once that stick shows positive I  drop the baby aspirin and switch to a better blood thinner that has less risks for baby. This is called Lovenox and is a low molecular heparin. I will remain on this until the 36th week of pregnancy. At that point we will switch to regular heparin so that I can have an epidural (you didn't think that after all of this I would do it naturally did you?) I will also remain on the prometrium until about 20 weeks. (It helps keep the uterus nice and fluffy for baby.)

It took a long time to get to this point, and alot of advocating for myself and my future baby. I knew what needed to be done as I have researched high and low the best treatments there are to treat MTHFR.  I kept up while being told doctors didn't want to help me, and I finally prevailed!

Here is the break down of what MTHFR is and how it effects you.
 Methylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase, also called MTHFR for short is a genetic defect that greatly effects your blood and how much it clots. Blood clotting is very serious in general and even more damaging when you are trying to carry a baby as it reduces the nutrients to the baby and does not allow them to grow. This essentially results in a miscarriage (which is what happened to us). The reason that I was tested for this was because we had 2 pregnancy losses and one after we heard the heartbeat. Once a heartbeat is heard, there is a less than 5% chance of pregnancy loss. Could we fit into that 5% without having MTHFR? Maybe, But testing for a bunch of genetic disorders would rule that out. Low and behold, 20 some vials of blood later, I tested positive for the most severe MTHFR called  homozygous C677T. This means that not only do I have one defective gene, I have 2! ( to bad my chances weren't better in something good, like winning the lottery, lol) Having both mutations means that both of my parents carry this genetic defect. Think of the punnett square in high school. This also means that there is a chance that my sisters carry some part of the mutations as well. Or maybe they got lucky and will not get it at all. ( I pray for this all the time, that I can deal with it all so they don't have to). Neither of my parents have been tested, so I do not know at this point if one of them is also homozygous, or if they just have one mutation. It is important that they all remain aware that its possible they have it, because this genetic defect can cause stroke, heart attack, blood clots, aneurysms, deep vain thrombosis, and some other things. I did write about this more in some earlier posts when we first found out. I have came a long way since then and plan to continue to keep up my positive vibes!


As you can tell, I have now decided to share our journey with the world. Not because I want pity of any sort, but because there are so many women out there who are going through this that are to embarrassed to speak up and advocate for what they believe. You are the only one who knows your body the way that you do.  There is nothing embarrassing about infertility, everyone has their journeys, and this is ours!

Cycle day 19 / 3dpo

So prior to this post I thought that your 2ww actually started after you ovulated. It appears that most people start this the day of a positive ovulation test. That makes me 3dpo.... Only 11 days till I can test.... Who the hell am I kidding, I am so going to test way earlier then that. I am thinking around 10dpo. And I cant buy any tests until then, because, well, I have absolutely no self control and will pee on them all in a matter of days. Obsessive: yes, But the 2ww makes even the normal people crazy (not saying that I am normal, hehe)

Out of boredom I have decided to wander in the world of internet humor during the 2ww. Its absolutely halarious to read everyones comments on this. One because I feel the same way, and two because I cannot believe we are all that crazy!

Here are some funny quotes that only the people struggling with IF would think are humorus.

- every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation


- it no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the pharmacy with both HPTs and tampons in your cart.

- you schedule your social events around your ovulation day

- if your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards

- you talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww

- your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"

- you take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)

- you refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.

- you put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler.

- you clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs

- your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.

- you spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes

- the thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!

- you make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink

- you get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine..

- you finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!

- you refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" in real life

- you suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it! Read more at http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=484770&ktrack=kcplink

I didn't come up with these, But Humor is the only thing going to keep  me sain for 11 more days. lol


 Just for my record:
3dpo:
Today, I am crampy. But my sides no longer hurt, which means I already ovulated hopefully. I did have a headache for alot of the day, but I think that is because I forget to take all my drugs today and I was stressing out about it. The cbefm did not ask me to poas today, :(. lol This saddens me, because I like being in control. I also feel like my boobs may be a bit tender, but nothing crazy. I will also start temping in the am, just to watch where my temps stays at and if it changes.

Officially In the 2ww!

Its A bitter sweet moment in the "C"  House today!

This month of clomid has given me hope that I did indeed get the big "O". Now, for those of you who may be new to peeing on every stick in your house and tracking ovulation. The big "O" no longer stands for orgasm, However it does stand for a more important word: OVULATION! WOOO HOOO

I use this monitor to check for ovulation. Yes it is more expensive than the sets you can buy at meijer, But, Its way better! It allows you to keep track of your days as well as monitoring and remembering your cycle. It helps predict what days you will need to test! I have so much on my plate that remembering what days to pee on the sticks is so confusing! This monitor makes that easier! I would highly recommend it.

So My first peak day was Sunday and I also got a peak day on Monday. Today was a number 2 reading which is considered high but not peak. So we have BD like crazy every day since like last week. We made sure not to miss an opportunity! Relaxed for 20 minutes after, and ofcourse prayed!

So we keep our fingers, toes and every other possible body part crossed! Honestly of course I hope that this little eggie sticks, but reality is that it may not. I am still very happy that I ovulated, and hope that everything keeps on this positive train!

I meet with my obgyn in the morning for a progesterone check, hopeful she will give me something to supplement because the last pregnancy had a hard time maintaining the progesterone level. I also want to discuss further treatment with her. I have appointments with RE's and I want to see what she thinks. I also have my appointment with the MFM doc. Treating the MTHFR is my main goal, once that happens every possible thing that I could do to help my body I am doing.

These next two weeks will be all about obsessing over every twinge, pain, cramp, tenderness and change in my body. I plan to track this lovely information for my reference later. I want to be able to compare cycles.

Changes

I have decided that its time for change. Well, actually it was time for change January 1st. So let me update you on this months many unexpected adventures. Hope your ready, This isn't going to be pretty.

January started another month of clomid treatment after the last cycle failed. Shocker I know. I was pretty down in the dumps as I always am after a failed cycle. My positive-ness (is that even a word?) surely returns about mid cycle and then crashes again with a negative test. Its an endless cycle of ups downs and the in betweens. Anyways, This month was different. I regained my positive outlook, started eating very healthy and losing weight (they say that this really helps PCOS, we will see) and even got the hubby on the healthy lifestyle wagon. Everything was looking up. Then, Of course something beyond shit-tastic had to happen. Someone close to me is pregnant. Talk about getting punched in the balls type feeling. I was crushed, hurt, bitter, and pissed for lack of better words. I separated myself from her for a little just to compose my own feelings and figure out what the hell I was going to do now. I surely cannot just pretend that I am OK, and that this is going to be all lollipops and dandelions.

My wonderful and extremely compassionate boss gave me a week off work to figure everything out. I try to not let personal life ever interfere with work, but at this point I was screwing up left and right. (Good thing I catch my own mistakes, lol) I knew that this week off would help me make appointments and call the insurance company that covers nothing and hope that maybe something slipped through the cracks and could be covered. So I did just that.

Today is the last workday that I have off, and I will be returning to work on Monday. My new schedule is now only 4 days a week. This cuts back a little bit of money, but the sanity I will get to keep maintaining doctors appointments will be worth it. It also gives me alone time because my husband still works on Wednesdays. Don't get me wrong, But you cant blame a girl for wanting alone time to gather thoughts and veg out on the couch and cry to every sappy movie on lifetime.

I have a new hope that things will work out eventually. I have made appointments with 2 different specialists.  One is close to home and has some great reviews from other women who have went to them. This place seems to have it all, and the doctor is female. I usually prefer a female because they seem more compassionate and caring, I used to prefer a female because I didn't want the world seeing my who-ha. I'm over those shenanigans, I automatically assume that every doctors appointment will involve me dropping my pants. The second fertility place I made an appointment for is in Lansing, It is far from me, but they are supposed to be one of the best in the us. Dr. Leach is who I will be seeing, Yes it is a male. But at this point I just don't give a damn! The one downfall about this great office is that any major procedures need to be completed and the Grand Rapids location. Not exactly a hop, skip, and a jump away. Benefit is I would see my Best friend and her adorable little princess. I am missing them to pieces! As much as visiting them is what would make me happy, I hope to do that without having to make an appointment in grand rapids. Making the appointment would mean another failed cycle, Here's to keeping my fingers crossed.

So... Today is a new day. And with a new day is new goals....
I am going to remain positive (keeping telling myself this)
I will update more
Try not to fly of the handle as much (just to justify this is totally Clomids fault)
Support my friend who needs it more than I do right now.
Remembering that keeping amazing people in your life help you cope with ones who are screw ups. And although our babymakers are broken, We are still amazing for pursuing one of the greatest challenges.

Its been a long long and really long time....

I wish that I could update this blog with a happy jumping up and down sort of title, But the reality is. Nothing has changed. I am now going through fertility treatment again with my regular obgyn. Our insurance really sucks right now, and I cannot wait for the new one to kick in. Until then we will just be going about with clomid and day 22 progesterone blood work. This cycle we uped the dose to 100 and i think that i will be taking it on the 3rd day to start rather than the 5th. Seems some people have more luck with it that way.

On another note, me and the hubby are dieting! It has been 2 weeks and I am down 10 pounds and he lost 15. I am very excited and motivated. I want to be thinner when I get pregnant and that way hopefully ward off GD.

I know this is short, but its all I got time for now! I will be keeping you all updated more often! promise!